I have so many things I want to capture, but I end up jotting them somewhere else, and then spending late hours in the night building poems as empires. It's draining & exhausting, and I forget to purge my emotions here.
Or by the time I get here, I'm too tired to remember, and later, when I somehow catch up with myself, the recent past seems too distant. Playing catch with a sieve, you see.
I woke up from a vibrant dream to sunshine (yesterday was pouring rain) and there was a live marching band outside. This is really strange since I didn't think that I lived on an Avenue where such band/parade type activity would ever occur. How bizarre!
In a rare moment of reveling on a true day off, I stayed in bed until 3 am. I had 2 more extremely vivid dreams, and my beautiful moment called me from his bed. He is the only one who can lift me to where I feel pure and laugh that free clear laugh. I used to resent this, but then, I was much more miserable and alone.
Despite the distance, I am not alone. I am filled with his presence, which is a creepy statement since it seems like I'm referring to Jesus or God. Whoops. Love is disgustingly creepy, sorry.
I'm glad for everything in my life--school, work, and the writing I'm hammering out. It's not easy, by no means, but for the sleepless effort and time I'm punching in, I feel as though I'm progressing. This is so important because I wrote essentially nothing in the past two years, and in my last quarter at UCLA, my poems dribbled on the floor like insipid drooling imbeciles. No joke.
It's difficult to be unable to control what you do. Earnestness doesn't cut it.
I worry a lot, off and on when I can't suppress it, about what I'll do after the 2 years are up. It worries me, but then, I know that this worry also prepares me to make sure I'm in an okay place which is suitable. But still; I fear disaster constantly. Not failure, which is inevitable as much as success is, but I fear disaster.
In another plane, I also think about where I'll be physically--do I go back to SF or stay in NY? It depends. Will we ever be finally united? I don't know. I'm scared to ask because we both don't like what ifs, and I also don't want to seem like I'm pressuring, because I'm not. I just want to know the possibilities. It's hard to gauge.
I think about him, and all the things of him, and a life with him. Sometimes I think this is dangerous, but I cannot shake this feeling. I want him, and this. All of it.
And for now, I'm okay with how things are; I'm only miserable when the line distorts, cuts, or changes without my participating. I worry about this disconnection--the growth of two apart and not together. I fear chasms.
I have never loved anyone so much in my life. I do not do harm or involuntarily want to do harm; it's out of my hands how things are--and they align. We align.
